Peace House Center of Serenity and Spirituality A 21st Century Spirituality Church embracing the path of the contemporary mystic and dedicated to world peace.  4601 E. Monte Vista Rd Phoenix , AZ  85008 Phone: 602-389-9862 Email: angels@peacehouseaz.com

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Recovery in Relationships by Rev. Debbi Brown (this article appeared in "Arizona Together" -  January 2000) Most likely if you've had an addiction problem, your relationships have suffered. Addiction cuts short our own growth and maturity. We act out repetitive patterns without stopping to look  at them. Many times these patterns do not serve us or the higher good. Staying with the familiar because it is familiar— is to miss out on life. Life is change. Once we realize we are part of everything we can move forward. We may repeat a drama over and over. The situation stays the same—only the characters have changed, except for you, the central character. Once we realize we are the central character in the drama (creator of the  scene) we can take responsibility for it. Until we do so we are just playing the victim role. Sobriety gives us the opportunity to begin to learn from our situations. Recovery leads us to us from victim to victor. We have choices.  Recovery is a process of growing in consciousness, increasing our awareness. We become aware of feelings. This is scary for those who hid from feelings behind addictions. We become aware of our behavior and how it affects others When we see how we are creating our own unhappiness we have the willingness to change. Pain is a  great motivator.  In early sobriety I continued a reoccurring self-defeating pattern in love relationships; fall in love with men who were incapable of commitment and then  spend all my time trying to get them to commit to me. The painful feelings of abandonment and unworthiness finally led me into group therapy. There I learned to express my real feelings.  Anger work, letter writing, and family of origin work showed me I would have to change and make different choices. Many tools are available to create the changes we desire; twelve step programs, support groups, therapy and counseling are invaluable. Body and energy work; massage and Reiki help us to reconnect with our physical being and release and heal emotional pain. We can have true freedom. Working with our subconscious mind effects real change. During my three year process of  change and healing I used prayer, affirmation, meditation and even hypnosis. Once the decision is made to push past a pattern, to grow, the universe will rush in to support the change. This has happened numerous times: a book is placed in my hands, I hear the exact answer I need when I turn on the radio, I see the same message on a bumper sticker three times in one day, etc. We will always be guided on our next step of the journey when we are sincerely seeking to create within positive change.  The book, Are You The One For Me?, by Barbara de Angelis, was an answer to a prayer. In it I learned to recognize the danger signals in a relationship. Things such as, if the potential partner has an addiction, you will never be number one, the relationship will never bring ultimate happiness. Now this may be common sense to many but to me they were things I had never learned about setting proper boundaries. I found in this book all the things I wish my mother had taught me about relationships. It would have saved me much pain. When the student is ready the teacher appears. This book taught me much. I was ready.  A real turning point came from an exercise in this book: writing an emotional want ad. In this ad you write what you have actually been creating , not what you think you want or are looking for. First, make a list of all your past relationships. Then write under each name what you saw as the defects or flaws in this person that caused the break up of the relationship. Go through and circle the reoccurring themes. Write your ad from these qualities. Here's how mine read: "Wanted emotionally unavailable man, Must be passive-aggressive in nature. Ragers ok. Addictions a plus. Must be absolutely phobic about commitment and willing to let me waste at least two years of my life trying to get you to change your mind." When I saw in black and white what I had been creating I never did it again. Something inside me shifted. It was forward movement in my self esteem march.  I also got honest with myself. I wanted a full time committed relationship. The 'M' word, marriage. Once I realized that's what I truly wanted could I then begin to attract it to me. I was quite honest to those I dated about what I was seeking. The "M" word eliminated a whole group of men. I realized that if I was capable of commitment, loyalty and intimacy, that others were out there also capable of that and seeking it too. Our radar would bring us together.  Now, relationships are about Love. There is something much greater than us expressing through us when we love.  Love is the unifying principle of the Universe. Love connects us with God, the cosmos and the infinite. If God is love above all, why not look to God to guide our relationships? When we ask God, show me how to be, to think, to act, we will be guided. In sobriety we learn to love in a conscious and mature way. We become aware that love is not just a feeling but a decision and an action we make. We begin to see how every relationship is an opportunity to experience God, the sacred, our own soul in communion with another soul. More God. Love is not just reserved for our families and friends. No, as we mature in love we realize it is meant to be shared with all. We realize our heart strings are to be extended to all we meet. Love (God) is bigger than us and we are its instrument.  When I was typing this article a found an error. I typed relationship as real-ationship. And that's what it's all about. Becoming more real and honest with our self and others. Not having to hide or pretend anything. Just in this moment, seeing this person as a precious expression of God and knowing yourself as a precious expression of God too. Recovery in relationships is all about growing up, taking responsibility, doing the work, becoming a co creator, letting go, and trusting the flow. Through this process you found yourself. When you find yourself, you see the true self of others. In there is God, love and all the goodness of the universe. Happy real-lationships.

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